Sawnik teh Hejhawg
by RabidSonicFan
Summary: Sonic & Friends go through a journey of epic proportions... basically, a Sonic 06 parody. A really random one at that. Currently on Silver's Story after many years of procrastination.
1. Teh Flames uv DIZAZTUR

Sawnik teh Hejhawg

Chapter 1: Teh Flamez uv DIZAZTUR

Once upon a time, in a place called Soleanna, there were people who liked fire... no, seriously, they REALLY like fire. Every year, they even have a festival to honor it. In fact, the beginning of this story takes place in such a festival! ... But as always, the shit will hit the fan.

Anyhow, let's get this exposition bullcrap out of the way, shall we? The first character that we'll go to is Princess Elise, of Soleanna... strange that she's not a queen, seeing as both of her parents are dead. Riiiiight... but anyway, yeah, here she is!

And, she's in a boat and stuff... YAY!

Elise: ... Does anyone else hear a voice talking in the background?

Servant: Nope.

Other Guy: Nuh-uh.

Random Woman: I'M AMY PALANT! :D

Elise shrugs and begins to wave to everyone again, with an apparent bored look on her face.

Elise: SEE? There it is again! It's like he's narrating my life!

Servant: That's the author, dear, just ignore him.

Elise: Well, oka-

Robots fall out of the sky and destroy everything, effectively wreaking havoc.

Servant: Um... seeya!

Elise's attendants jump out of the boat and swim away. She is now the only one there.

Elise: ... Crap.

?: OOH HOO HOO! Why, hello there, Princess!

Elise: Who are you?

?: I AM THE GREAT DR. ROBOTNIK!

Elise stares blankly at him.

?: ... Eggman.

Elise: Ohhhhhhh!

Eggman: Now then, Elise! It's time to relinquish the Flames of Disaster!

Elise: Huh? Wuzzat?

Eggman: Oh, for the love of-BADNIKS!

The Badniks land nearby.

Badniks: Yes, sir?

Eggman: Ah, my loyal robotic minions! Today is the day of reckoning, the time of your true purpose, the-

Badniks: GET TO THE POINT!

Eggman: ... Just kidnap her.

The Badniks are about to grab Elise, until a blue blur speeds through, destroying most of the robots.

Elise: What the-

The blue blur stops, revealing himself to be the one that all of you have been waiting for in the first place.

Sonic: Hello there, peepz! Sonic the Hedgehog's here, and he's ready to kick some robotic ass!

Eggman: GAH! How do you always know where I am? ... and what's that beeping noise that I keep on hearing?

A beeping noise comes from a tracking device, that was, um... "tactfully" placed on the back of Eggman's neck.

Sonic: ... I dunno.

Eggman: BAH! No matter... ATTACK HIM!

Scratch: HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAA!

Grounder: Yes, your lardness!

They all charge towards Sonic.

Sonic: Meh... this is nothing that I can't handle.

Grounder transforms one of his drills into a missile.

Sonic: ... Alright, never mind!

Sonic grabs Elise and runs off.

Elise: Wh-who are you?

Sonic: Good god, didn't you hear me say my name earlier?

Sonic continues to run as we see a mysterious hedgehog spying on him from a roof...

?: I finally found him... THE IBWIS TWIGGEH!

The hedgehog stumbles a little and falls off the roof.

?: Ow...

Meanwhile, in a random part of the city…

Elise: Why are you helping me like this?

Sonic: Because I'm bored.

Several badniks land in front of the two.

Badniks: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, PLEASE SURRENDER THE PRINCESS.

Sonic puts Elise down.

Sonic: Stay right here, okay?

Elise: Okay…

Sonic does a homing attack on the badniks, destroying them all.

Sonic: Heh heh… NICE!

Sonic hears Elice scream.

Sonic: Son of a—

He turns around, only to see her being carried away by Eggman, in one of his giant robot things.

Sonic: DAMN IT, WOMAN! What did I just tell you?

Eggman: HEE HEE HEE! Why hello, my little nemesis! Do you mind if I borrow this princess from you?

Sonic: Um… no, not really.

Eggman: What if I told you that if she has the ability to release the Flames of Disaster, which may let me RULE TEH WURLD?

Sonic: Oh… Well… give her back then!

Eggman: No!

Sonic: You douche…

Elise: SONIC, CATCH!

Elise throws a blue Chaos Emerald at Sonic, which he catches.

Eggman: You had a Chaos Emerald? Tch… well, I guess Sonic will just have to hold onto it for now! TOODLES!

Sonic watches as Eggman's robot flies away.

Sonic: … Well, what the hell am I supposed to do now?

Solid Snake: YOU SHOULD USE THE BOX!

Sonic: Good idea!

Sonic picks up a cardboard box and throws it into the air, which hits Eggman's head.

Eggman: OW! SONIC, YOU JERK!

Sonic: Erm... that didn't work at all.

Solid Snake: Well... then I've got nothin'. See ya'!

Snake walks off.

Sonic: Damn... well, I might as well spend the ni-

Before Sonic finishes his sentence, it immediately switches from night to day.

Sonic: Erm... nevermind...

?: HEY, SONIC!

Sonic: Eh?

Sonic turns around, seeing Tails running over.

Sonic: Yo, Tails! What have you been up to lately?

Tails: I've just been wandering aimlessly for several days! What about you?

Sonic: Well... I was just chillin' over at the Festival of the Sun the other day, but then Eggman had to be a little prick and kidnap Princess Elise!

Tails: Uh-oh... if Eggman wants her, then that means bad news!

Sonic: Well... normally, I wouldn't really give a crap, but supposedly she has something called "The Flames of Disaster". I don't know what in the hell it's supposed to do, but if Eggy wants it, then it's bad news.

Tails: That's terrible! We have to find her right away!

Sonic: Yeah, I guess, but... where should we go? I don't even know where to start!

Tails: Why don't we go ask the towns' people for help?

Sonic: That's the most retarded thing I've heard all day... let's do it!

They walk around, talking to random people...

Person: HAE, SONEEEEK!

Sonic: What?

Person: PRESH DUH JAWMP-BUTTAWN TO JAWMP!

Sonic: ... Can I kill you, please?

Person #2: Sonic!

Sonic: What?

Person: Will you try out my new shoes?

Sonic: Whatever.

*LOADING, FUCKERS...*

Sonic: Um... what the hell was that?

Person #2: Anyway, try going through all of the rings before time runs out!

Sonic: Erm... I'm not sure if I want t-

*LOADING AGAIN, BITCHEZ*

Sonic: WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

Sonic looks around, seeing a bunch of giant blue rings floating around.

Sonic: Uh... I don't know where the hell these came from, but I assume that these are the rings that I have to go through.

Sonic runs really fast, but ends up tripping on a rock.

Sonic: OH FU-

*LOADING ONCE MORE*

Person #2: Sorry, Sonic, you failed the mission! You're going to have to give me my shoes back!

Sonic: ... Screw that!

Sonic kicks him in the crotch and takes his wallet.

Sonic: SCORE!

Sonic walks over to a shopkeeper...

Morshu: MMMMMMMMMM...

Sonic: Uh... what do you wa-

Morshu: LAMP OIL, ROPE, BOMBS? It's yours, my friend, as long as you have enough rupees!

Sonic: Okay...?

Sonic gives him some rings from the wallet that he just stole.

Morshu: Sorry Sonic, I don't give credit! Come back when you're a little-MMMMMMMMMM- richer!

Sonic: ...

Sonic punches him in the face.

Morshu: Alright, alright! Here it is! Sheesh...

Morshu gives Sonic an item.

Sonic: YAY, I HAVE IT, I HAVE IT! ... Um... what do I have?

Tails: You can now use the light-speed dash!

Sonic: ... Couldn't I already do that?

Tails: Erm... no?

Sonic: Whatever.

Sonic then finds a trail of rings to dash across, going into some sort of mirror.

Sonic: Awesome! Are we at Emerald Coast?

Tails: No, Wave Ocean!

Sonic: ... Strange, seeing as this place looks exactly the same... (Wink-Wink, Nudge- Nudge...)

Tails: Right... so, how are we supposed to find Elise?

Sonic: I think I know a good point of reference!

Sonic points into the sky.

Tails: The Egg Carrier!

Sonic: Great time for us to not bring our plane, huh?

Tails: Sonic, we've got to hurry before Eggman gets away!

Sonic smirks.

Sonic: No problem! Follow my lead, Tails!

Sonic and Tails run over to a dock... only for a killer whale to suddenly burst out.

Sonic: ... Tails, are you sure this isn't Emerald Coast?

Tails: Pretty sure!

Sonic: Then Sega's really running out of ideas...

The whale then leaps out of the water and lands a short distance away, destroying a part of the dock. Sonic then attempts to skid to a stop and ends up stumbling off of the edge, having no choice but to grab onto the whale's dorsal fin. Sonic sighs with relief as the whale continues to swim... only to see the infinite span of the ocean ahead... and a raised gate.

Tails: Um... what should I do?

Sonic: LOWER THE GATE, DUMBASS!

Tails: Keh.

Tails flies around, looking for a switch.

Tails: Hm... let's see... if I were a switch, where would I hide...?

Seeing as Tails wasn't paying much attention to where he was going, he crashed into a palm tree, conveniently landing on the switch.

Sonic: Whew...

As the whale stops in front of the lowered gate, Sonic lets go of the whale's dorsal fin; the momentum ends up making Sonic fly into the air, where he is caught by Tails shortly after.

Tails: Got'cha!

Tails then flies over to the nearest patch of land starts again and drops him off.

Sonic: Thanks, little buddy! You actually did something useful for once!

Tails: No problem, Sonic!

They look up in the sky again, where they see the Egg Carrier, flying towards a bunch of mountains.

Tails: Uh-oh... if he flies over to those mountains, he'll get away!

Sonic: Hmph... LET'S PICK UP SOME SPEED!

Tails: ... Really, Sonic? You want to go there?

Sonic: Yes, I did!

Sonic grabs Tails's hand and runs at mach-speed, trying to catch up with the Egg Carrier.

Sonic: ...Tails...

Tails: Y-y-y-yeah, S-s-sonic?

Sonic: If we catch up to the Egg Carrier, how do we get up to it?

Tails: Um... you know what, I never thought of that!

Sonic: Then it's true what they say...

Tails: What would that be, Sonic?

Sonic: Smart people DON'T have common sense...

Sonic stops in his tracks, as he helplessly watches the Egg Carrier fly over the mountains.

Sonic: Well... THAT was a waste of time.

Tails: No it wasn't, Sonic!

Sonic: How so?

Tails: I FOUND A FEATHER!

Sonic: …


	2. DUH IBWIS TWIGGEH

Chapter 2: DUH IBWIS TWIGGEH

Sonic and Tails are walking through the city of Soleanna.

Tails: ... Why don't you want any ice cream, Sonic?

Sonic sighs.

Sonic: Dumbass, I already told you! Hedgehogs HEDGEHOGS ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT!

Tails: Really? Huh… so, do you want some—

Sonic: NO!

They then walk over to a random guard… and stuff…

Sonic: Hey, do you know where-

Random Guard: WELLLLLLLL... Eggman's in the desert, if you MUST know!

Sonic: Erm… We didn't even mention Eggman, but okay...

They stare at each other for a moment.

Sonic: Soooooo... can we go in?

Random Guard: Hell naw! ... UNLESS YOU DO A MISSIO-

Sonic kicks the guard out of the way, which knocks him unconscious. He then jumps into the mirror, warping him into the desert.

Meanwhile, in Eggman's Base...

Elise: What are you going to do with me?

Eggman: Oh, you needn't worry, princess! I'm simply trying to figure out how to harness the Flames of Disaster! After that, I'll have no more use for you...

Elise: W-what do you mean by that...?

Eggman: That depends. Do you want to be on my good side… or my BAD side? Your pick.

Elise: How would I get on your bad side, perchance?

Eggman: I don't know… do you like the bottle caps that I taped onto my shirt recently?

Elise: Um… yes?  
Eggman: That's good… 'Cause SONIC said that they looked silly! I swear…

Sonic: Did someone call me for me?

Elise: S-SONIC!

Sonic and Tails run inside the base, standing next to Elise.

Elise: Oh, Sonic...

Elise suddenly glomps Sonic.

Sonic: WTF, BITCH?

Elise: Sonic, I knew that you'd save me!

Sonic: Erm… nothin' to it, Princess!

Eggman: Oh, you just HAD to come and spoil everything, didn't you?

Sonic: Hey, it just wouldn't be me if I didn't!

Eggman: You may be laughing now, hedgehog, but I'm the one who'll laugh last... in fact, would you like to see my new puppy, Sonic?

Sonic raises his eyebrow.

Sonic: Um... sure?

Eggman whistles.

Eggman: OH, EGG CERBERUS, I HAVE A NEW CHEW-TOY FOR YOU!

A gigantic robotic dog trods along and skids to a stop, roaring at Sonic.

Sonic: WHOA! THAT'S your puppy? What have you been FEEDING that thing?

Egg Cerberus growls, looking like he's going to charge towards them.

Eggman: Heh... this should be interesting. Perhaps I should watch from a safe distance...

Eggman hops into his Eggmobile, flying into the air.

Sonic: Tails!

Tails: Yeah, Sonic?

Sonic: Take Elise out of here!

Tails nods and grabs Elise's arms, flying out of the base.

Sonic: Now it's just between you 'n me, ya' bucket of bolts!

Egg Cerberus roars again, finally charging towards Sonic.

Sonic: Heh... I thought that you were supposed to be a dog, not a bull!

Sonic sidesteps out of the way, right before the Egg Cerberus would have turned him into road-kill, seeing a shiny tail.

Sonic: For someone with an IQ of 300, he makes some pretty retarded design choices…

The Egg Cerberus quickly turns back around, charging towards him again.

Sonic: Hey, Cerby, heads up!

Sonic does a Homing Attack off its head, landing on the tail shortly after.

Sonic: Now we're cookin'! Let's see what this bad-boy can do!

Sonic uses the tail to steer the Egg Cerberus around, making it crash into a pillar. Sonic then jumps off as the rubble falls onto the robot, crushing it.

Sonic: Hmph... well, that wasn't too hard.

Eggman: SONIC! YOU... YOU... STUPIDHEAD!

Sonic: I see that you've run out of clever insults! Given up yet, fatass?

Eggman: You think that just because you bested one robot, that I'll give up? HA! Any time that you turn your back, I'll just kidnap the princess again and again and AGAIN! You'll see...

Eggman flies away.

Sonic: Sheesh... usually, when Mario rescues a princess, he just has to do it once...

Sonic shrugs and runs outside, over to Tails and Elise.

Sonic: Hey, guys!

Tails: Sonic! You must have made Eggman pretty mad, because the cavalry's here!

Sonic looks around, seeing hundreds of robots flying towards them.

Sonic: SHIT! What do we do now?

Tails: I'll go completely divert their attention to me, Sonic, while you run away alone with the princess!

Sonic: And... strangely, I have no problem with that! C'mon, princess!

Sonic grabs Elise and runs off.

Sonic: Should we take the exit that goes right back to town?

Elise: No, that's the first place that Eggman will look! There's a meadow near here that leads back towards the castle.

Sonic: What a convenient plot device! C'mon, let's go!

... and thusly, Sonic and Elise have now arrived at the meadow, because, well... I'm the author. I can do whatever I want… Fuckers.

Elise: Whew... I can't believe that Eggman sent the demons of hell after us!

Sonic: I know! Getting away from there was almost challenging!

Sonic gently puts Elise down, afterwards shaking one of his arms vigorously.

Elise: What's wrong?

Sonic: It's nothing, just a pulled muscle...

Elise: Let me see!

Elise grabs Sonic's arm.

Elise: Nothing? Sonic, it's bleeding! I have to bandage this right away!

Sonic: B-but...

Elise: But nothing! Now, hold still!

Sonic taps his foot as Elise wraps the bandage around his arm.

Elise: And... I'm done!

Sonic: Thanks, Princess! I feel as good as new! Anything else I can do?

Elise: Well... first of all, stop calling me "Princess"! My name is Elise!

Sonic chuckles.

Sonic: Alright, I can take a hint!

Elise: Okay, I'm ready to walk now.

Sonic nods and tugs on Elise's hands, helping her stand up.

Elise: Thanks...

They start to walk through the meadow, wherever it leads.

Sonic: So... what's with this whole "Flames of Disaster" business, anyway?

Elise: Well, it goes back all the way to when I was a little girl... these scientists tried to create our god, Solaris, as an actual physical being... but everything went wrong... the experiment was self-aware, malicious... it split into two halves, one was called Mephiles, the other is Iblis... the Flames of Disaster. Mephiles was quickly stored into some sort of scepter, but Iblis called untold disaster in the facility, killing thousands... I was there, my father was one of the scientists. As such, he ended up storing Iblis inside me, because it needed a live vessel...

Sonic: Oh my god...

Elise: I know... if Eggman figured out how to release Iblis, he could destroy the world!

Sonic: I was going to say that that was the most boring story that I've ever heard, but you do have a point… Although that's a little TOO far, even for ol' Bubble-Butt! He doesn't just destroy everything, he has to have some ulterior motive...

Elise: I guess, so... But what else would he do?

Elise frowns; Sonic looks sympathetic (for once).

Sonic: Um... Elise?

Elise: Yeah?

Sonic: You know what I do when I'm feeling down...?

Elise: What?

Sonic: I just run!

Sonic grabs Elise's arm and starts to run.

Elise: B-But... Sonic! I can't run that fast!

Sonic winks at her.

Sonic: Don't worry, Elise! I won't pull your arm off! … Maybe…

They run for a little while and fall onto the grass, laughing.

Meanwhile, after they get to the town...

Elise: We're not far from where we're supposed to go. At this rate, we'll be back at the castle in no time!

Sonic: Elise, I think I should stay with you for now, Eggman said that he's going to try and kidnap you again!

Elise: Well... if that's what it takes to keep him from-

?: YOU!

Sonic: Eh?

Sonic turns around, seeing a white-colored hedgehog.

Sonic: Erm... who are you; you a distant cousin or somethin'?

?: NO! My name is Siwvew!

Sonic: Silver? But... you're white... and what's the lisp?

Silver: I DO NOT HAVE A WISP!

Sonic: ... and thus, we now have an entirely different meaning.

Silver: ENOUGH! Die, Ibwis Twiggeh!

Silver picks up a table with his mind and throws it at Sonic, who jumps over it.

Sonic: Look, couldn't we just discuss this over tea?

Silver: ... Tea?

Sonic: Erm... Not exactly the brightest bulb in the pack, are ya'?

Silver: ... Bulb?

Sonic: *sighs* Never mind...

Silver picks up a chair and throws it at Sonic, which he kicks back at him.

Silver: YOWCH!

Sonic walks over to him.

Sonic: Where's your mommy at, kid? Doesn't she tell you that throwing things isn't very nice?

Silver lifts Sonic up into the air, throwing him into the wall of a building.

Sonic: OW! W-What did I just tell you...?

Elise: SONIC!

Sonic turns around, seeing Elise being kidnapped by Eggman.

Sonic: ELISE!

Sonic runs towards them...

Silver: OH NO, YOU DON'T!

... Only for Silver to be a complete douche and slam him into another wall, letting Eggman get away.

Sonic: W-Why are you doing this...?

Silver: B-Because you'we the Ibwis Twiggeh! ... Wight?

Sonic: Iblis? You mean you want the Flames of Disaster too?

Silver: AHA! You MUST be the Ibwis Twiggeh! How else would you know about it?

Sonic: Perhaps it's because the Princess that you just let Eggman kidnap was its vessel?

Silver: ... Nah.

Right as Silver is about to deliver the final blow, Amy dives in-between them.

Amy: SONIKKU!

Silver: G-Get out of the way, Amy!

Amy: No! I DUN WUNNA!

Sonic: Heh... you must not've known that I have the power of FANGIRLS! ... Now hold on, Amy, as I abandon you with someone who could possibly kill you!

Amy: Keh.

Sonic runs far away, out of Silver's eyesight.

Sonic: Whew... that was a close'un...

Tails: Sonic, I finally found you!

Tails flies down, landing in front of Sonic.

Sonic: It seems that you don't have very good timing...

Tails: Huh? What do ya' mean?

Sonic: Some guy called Silver just tried to kill me and during the scuffle, Eggman kidnapped Elise.

Tails: Oh no! That's terrible!

Sonic: Thanks for stating the obvious... Hm... Actually, they both seem to want the Flames of Disaster, I wonder if they're working together?

Tails: An interesting theory... and oh yeah, I saw Knuckles earlier, and he said that he had something important to tell us!

Sonic: O RLY? Where is he?

Tails: He said to meet him at the docks!

Sonic: Got it!

Meanwhile, at the Docks...

Sonic: Yo, Knux! What up?

Knuckles: Hey, Sonic. Awhile ago, I just saw Eggman wandering around the city. He gave me a shiny card! 8D

Sonic: So… why didn't you just beat the crap out of him?  
Knuckles: Um…

Sonic: And aren't you supposed to be guarding the Master Emerald or something?

Knuckles: … JUST TAKE THE DAMN CARD!

He takes out a card and throws it to Sonic, which suddenly projects a hologram.

Eggman: Greetings, Obi Wan Kenobi, you are my only hope... wait... THIS THING IS ON? Ahem... Why, hello, Sonic the Hedgehog! I bet you're wondering where I'm keeping your precious Princess Elise, don't you?

Sonic: What made ya' think that? That fact that I've saved her two times already?

Eggman: Sh-shut up!

Sonic chuckles.

Eggman: Anyway, she's at my base in White Acropolis. If you bring me your Chaos Emerald, I'll... let her go...

Sonic: Let me get this straight... If I bring you the Chaos Emerald, you'll just give her back, no strings attatched?

Eggman: I cwoss my wittle heart...

The hologram disappears.

Knuckles: I don't know, Sonic, something seems fishy about this!

Tails: Knuckles is right, this could be a trap!

Sonic: Um... DUH, of course it's a trap! We'll just take a stroll over there and save the day, as always! Isn't that right?

Tails and Knuckles: …

Sonic: Oh, fuck all ya'll!


	3. DO TEH TEIM WURP

**Chapter 3: DO TEH TEIM WURP**

Tails: Alright, we're in White Acropolis! Isn't that great, guys?

Sonic and Knux glance at each other and then look back at Tails.

Sonic and Knuckles: NO.

Tails: Awww, why not?

Sonic: Not only are we not wearing clothes, but we're just covered in quills! QUILLS! IT'S FUCKING COLD OUT HERE AND I'M JUST COVERED IN QUILLS! I've been out here for only a minute and I'm pretty sure that I ALREADY have frostbite!

Tails blankly stares at Sonic.

Tails: … Wanna go snowboarding?

Sonic: ... Sure, whatever.

Sonic takes a snowboard out of hammer-space and slides down a random slope.

Sonic: Ah, snowboarding again... just like the good ol' days!

Sonic looks down.

Sonic: ... Except I don't recall them involving giant, killer snowballs.

Sonic tries to steer around the snowballs, but ends up hitting one anyway, doing an extremely awkward pose.

Sonic: OH MAH GAWD, SEIZUUUUURE

After Sonic stops rolling, he goes down another slope, with a giant snowball chasing him.

Sonic: ... Hey, Crash Bandicoot just called, HE WANTS HIS CHASE SEQUENCES BACK!

Sonic eventually evades the snowball, coming across a ramp... leading right to a gorge.

Sonic: Hm... maybe if I jump off of that ramp just in time, I can get to the other side of that gorge!

Sonic jumps off of the ramp, landing only a few feet away, falling into the pit

Sonic: Oh, WHAT THE FU-

Several Hours Later...

Tails: Hey, I think I found the entrance to the next section!

Knuckles: Awesome! ... Hey, wait a minute, where's Sonic at?

Sonic climbs up and hangs onto the edge for dear life, breathing heavily once he pulls himself up to the ground.

Tails: SONIC! Are you okay?

Sonic: I HATE YOU ALL...!

Knuckles: Yeah, he's okay.

Tails pulls Sonic up, helping him stand up.

Sonic: Soooo... this is the entrance?

Tails: Yeah! But I can't figure out how to open-

Sonic pushes one of the doors, which immediately makes it open.

Tails: ... Nevermind.

They walk into yet another snowy plain, though it's nowhere near as mountainous.

Tails: Hey, look at all of those spotlights up ahead how are we gonna get past them?

Sonic: By completely ignoring them, of course!

Solid Snake: OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD USE THE BOX…

Sonic: Or maybe YOU SHOULD SHUT THE HELL UP.

Solid Snake: 'Kay.

They sprint through the icy region, avoiding (or ignoring) every obstacle in their way.

Sonic: Well, that was easy enough!

They barge into Eggman's base, busting the doors down.

Sonic: ALL YAWR BASE AWR BELAWNG TO SAWNIK.

Knuckles: … and his sidekicks! Yeah!

Sonic: … Shut up, Knuckles.

Eggman: Tsk tsk… You didn't arrive on the curfew! Curfews are made for a REASON, you know!

Sonic: Well, maybe if you just hand me the princes, maybe I won't have to kick your tubby ass!

Eggman: Now, now, let's not get hasty! Do you still have the Chaos Emerald!

Sonic: Yup!

Sonic takes out the Chaos Emerald…

Sonic: I put it in my ass, for safe-keeping!

Eggman: Excellent… now place it here, if you do mind…

He presses a button, which makes a metallic podium rise out of the floor. Sonic places the Chaos Emerald on the podium and takes a few steps back.

Eggman: Heheheh… you played like putty right in my hands!

Eggman presses a button, which makes an pink, electric shield surround them.

Sonic: Alright, egghead… I gotta ask… what's up with the pink shit?

Eggman: THIS PINK SHIT SHALL BE YOUR DOOM…

Sonic: … You honestly couldn't have worded that any better?

Eggman pulls a switch, which causes Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles to be enveloped in some strange vortex… of pink shit.

Elise: What did you do them?

Eggman: I sent the little pests on a trip through time…

Elise: Where?

Eggman: Why should **I **care…?

Meanwhile, in another time…

Sonic: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—

Sonic falls from the vortex and onto the ground, with Tails and Knux landing right on top of him.

Sonic: GIT OFFA ME!

Tails: Sorry, Sonic…

Tails and Knuckles get off of Sonic as he stands back up and dusts himself off.

Knuckles: Where are we, anyway?

Sonic: I don't know… but I'm gonna find out.

?: Greetings, hedgehog…

Sonic: Eh? WUZZAT.

Sonic turns around, spotting Shadow and Rouge.

Sonic: Oh, it's Over-Rated Clone and his BFF, Fanservice! What up, ya'll?

Rouge: Don't you mean, "long time, no s—"

Sonic: HELL NO.

Elsewhere, Several Minutes Later…

Tails: WE'RE IN THE FUTURE?

Shadow: Yes. I told you this at least ten times already.

Sonic: Well, how'r we supposed ta' get back?

Solid Snake: MAYBE YOU SHOULD USE THE—

Sonic: NO. *shoves Solid Snake away*

Shadow: Hm… maybe if we use Chaos Control, it should send us back to our current time!

Sonic: I thought that the Time Stones were supposed to manipulate time, not the Chaos Emeralds…?

Shadow: This game's confusing as fuck anyway, does it really matter?

Sonic: Good point. LET'S SPLIT UP, GANG!

Sonic's group and Shadow's group run off into separate directions.

Tails: Where do you think the Chaos Emerald is, Sonic?

Sonic: Wherever I friggin' want it to be, that's where!

Sonic rips off a chunk of metal from a random sign and uses it as a snowboard in order to grind the various rails and buildings that he encounters. He then hops off of his makeshift snowboard once he gets to the road and starts to run towards one of the many abandoned buildings.

Tails: Look at that building, Sonic!

Sonic: Yeah, what about it?  
Tails: It's glowing! I think the Chaos Emerald might be in there!

Sonic: Gee, YA' THINK?

The trio run into the building towards the glowing room, until…

Sonic: HOLE-DIT! I hear voices!

Knuckles: Are you sure that's healthy?

Sonic: … *punches Knuckles*

Knuckles: OW!

Tails: Quiet, guys!

Silver: … So if I kiww duh "Ibwis Twiggeh" I can save teh wurld?

?: Indeed…

Sonic: *whispers* Hey, I recognize that guy… that's the little prick that let Eggman escape! … And that guy over there… looks like a weird, evil version of Shadow.

?: And now, to randomly show you the records of the Day of Disaster… when Iblis was unleashed upon the world… and you have THIS guy to blame…

The hedgehog resembling Shadow takes out a purple Chaos Emerald, which projects an image of Sonic, standing in flames.

Silver: I SEE IT! HE'S A BWU HEDGEHAWG!

Blaze: No, it's a Green Ocelot, OF COURSE HE'S A BLUE HEDGEHOG!

?: Indeed… and now I shall send you both back to the time period a few days before he unleashed the flames of disaster…

All three of them are enveloped in purple shit and disappear.

Sonic: That son of a bitch! HE FRAMED ME!

Knuckles: … Or did he?

Sonic: … Do you WANT me to punch you again?

Tails: Hey, guys! I found something in the data that no one bothered to read!

Sonic: I'm listening…

Tails: Apparently, Iblis was actually unleashed when the Egg Carrier's engine malfunctioned… both Eggman and Elise ended up dying in the crash…

Sonic: When did this happen?

Tails: The day after we went to Eggman's base!

Sonic: Only a day…?

Tails: I'm afraid so.

The trio ponder as they eventually end up encountering Shadow and Rouge.

Rouge: Hey, boys, we found a Chaos Emerald… how about you?

Sonic: No such luck… but we did find something interesting.

Shadow: Oh?

Sonic: All of this was caused only 2 days after the Festival of the Sun, when Eggman's battleship crashed!

Shadow: I see…

Sonic: And by the way, do you have a twin that looks just like you, except much more evil-looking and, well… no mouth?

Shadow: Mephiles…

Sonic: Oh, so you DO know him!

Shadow: Unfortunately. He's the reason we're here… what was he doing when you saw him?

Sonic: He was sending a hedgehog named Silver back to our time in order to kill me! I think he was trying to get Elise to release Iblis…

Shadow: Interesting…

Knuckles: Um… guys… I think we've got company!

Iblis (resembling a giant fire-worm monster thing) emerges from the lava pit that they're standing near and roars.

Sonic: Oh… GEE… I wonder if that big huge green eye in the center of its head is the weak spot?

Sonic uses a homing attack on the eye, which makes Iblis fall back into the lava.

Sonic: YUP, that was the weak spot alright!

The lava splashes from Iblis falling into it which carries a Chaos Emerald along with it, conveniently falling right into Sonic's hands.

Sonic: Well, what do ya' know? I'm quite the lucky bitch today!

Shadow: Now we can travel back to our current time…

Sonic: Right! BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL…

Shadow: No. Just… just, no.

Sonic: FINE…

Sonic and Shadow: CHAOS… CONTROL!

They clang their emeralds together as [mostly] everyone teleports elsewhere.

Sonic: ALRIGHT! I'm back in my own time! … and in Solleanna again. CRAP. Well, that's just great… and where the hell are Tails and Knuckles?

Elsewhere…

Mario: Who are-a YOU?

Tails: Um…

Knuckles: I'm scared…


	4. This Title is Too Long

Chapter 4: 

Eggs in a Train... and Hedgehogs in a Jungle... WTF IS THIS.

Sonic: Where's Elise? I have a schedule to keep... and by "schedule", I mean, doing absolutely nothing. YEAHHH...

Almost as if to answer him, Eggman's voice comes over the loudspeaker.

Eggman: GREETINGS, MY PITIFUL SLA-I mean, citizens of Soleanna! With the "support" of your beloved Princess Elise, I have constructed a new train station for your... train riding needs! For those of you who are curious, lo and behold my Exploding Suicide Train of Death, which you shall get to ride immediately ... FOR FREEEE!

Orbot: Warning - Eggman Enterprises is not responsible for injury, illness, third degree burns, robotic enslavement, or loss of life.

Eggman: Have a nice day!

Sonic: Surely, no one's going to fall for this...

Generic Citizen #1: OH BOY, I LOVE SUICIDE!

Generic Citizen #2: Do you even know what suicide is?

Generic Citizen #1: No... BUT IT'S FREE!

Sonic: ... Then again, I've been wrong before.

Sonic runs into the train station as a gigantic train ends up closing its doors.

Eggman: The Eggman Express is now at full capacity! The first stop is... DEATH!

Sonic dashes over to the shop.

Sonic: Okay, I'm in a rush, so what do ya' got in the shop now?

Shopkeeper: Well, I've got a Bounce Bracelet!

Sonic: What does it do?

Shopkeeper: When you wear it... IT LETS YOU BOUNCE!

Sonic: ... Didn't I already have THAT too?

Shopkeeper: Uh... no?

Sonic: ... Meh.

Sonic puts on the Bounce Bracelet.

Sonic: So, how does this work, again?

Shopkeeper: Press the B button while you're in midair to do a bounce!

Sonic: WHAT IN THE HELL IS A B BUTTON?

Shopkeeper: I don't know! :)

Sonic: EVERYONE IS FUCKING USELESS.

Sonic takes off, running at the train as it zooms out of the station.

Generic Citizen: DAMN... I wish I could've gone...

Sonic continues to run after the train...

Sonic: WHY WON'T YOU GET ANY SLOWER?

The loud speaker comes back on with a high-pitched screech.

Eggman: Oh, Sonic! I see that you're a little late to the ride...

Sonic: What's going to happen to this train?

Eggman: Oh, nothing... If your definition of "nothing" means "I'm going to make this train crash into a mountain while going over 100 miles-per-hour"! O HO HO, I'M SUCH A BITCH!

Sonic runs faster and gets to the end of the train, grabbing the rail. He then pulls on it and tries to run backwards, in an attempt to stop that rascally locomotive.

Eggman: HA! Who do you think you are, SUPERMAN? THIS IS A FUCKING TRAIN!

Taking Eggman's advice, Sonic decides to forego this approach and hops over the railing. He then opens the door, walking right into the Engine Room.

Sonic: Is there room for one more?

Eggman enters the room and summons a bunch of robots that suddenly circle Sonic (try saying that 5 times fast), primed to shoot him at any moment.

Sonic: Guess not.

Eggman: After all these years, I've finally got you right where I want you!

Sonic: Yeah...? I hadn't noticed.

Eggman: Enough with all of the smart assliness, you... SMART ASS! What exactly did you think you were going to gain by coming in here?

Sonic: This.

Sonic runs in a circle, producing a gust of wind that knocks all of the robots back; he then jumps into the air and curls into a ball, using repeated homing attacks to smash the engine into pieces.

Eggman: Oh... um... Bye!

Eggman runs off like a little baby, slamming the door behind him. Sonic then chases after him, smashing through every door in his path. As soon as he gets to the front car, he (like the train) ends up skidding to a complete stop. He then turns around to face one of the Generic Citizens.

Sonic: Hey, did any of you see a goofy-looking Teddy Roosevelt impersonator run by...?

Generic Citizen #3: Yeah, I saw him heading towards the forest in his flying thingy.

Sonic: I wish I knew what steroids Eggman's taking to be faster than me…

Sonic jumps through the window, running off towards the forest.

Generic Citizen #3: So... how are we gonna get home?

Meanwhile, in the land of cutscene-exclusive environments, Sonic continues to wander around aimlessly...

Sonic: Maybe I should've bothered to ask where the forest was.

Silver: GWEETINGS, IBWIS TWIGGEH!

Sonic: Oh god...

Sonic stops in his tracks as Silver floats to the ground from somewhere up above.

Sonic: Look kid, we're on the same side! So, why don't you be a good little freedom fighter and step out of the way, m'kay?

Silver: THE FOO-CHEW MUST BE AVENGED!

Sonic: ... What about Fu Man Chew?

Silver lifts up a rock with his psychokinesis and throws it at Sonic, who hops out of the way.

Sonic: Guess you aren't a fan of pop culture refs, huh?

Silver picks up a random box and... well, does pretty much the same thing as last time.

Solid Snake: HEY! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BOX?

Sonic and Silver: ...

Silver lifts up Snake and tosses him into one of the many endless pits hanging around.

Solid Snake: METAL GEEEAAAAAARRRRRRRR-

Silver: Weww, that takes cawe of hi-

Sonic gives Silver a roundhouse kick to the face.

Silver: OWIE! MAH NOESH!

As Silver sobs, Shadow suddenly hops in from out of nowhere.

Shadow: ... So, what did I miss this time?

Sonic: Oh, hey, Shadow! Didn't notice ya' there... let's see... this guy is keeping me from saving the princess so I broke his nose and probably gave him some internal bleeding. What have you been up to?

Shadow: ... Trust me, you don't want to know.

Sonic: Actually, I kind of do, seeing that, well you know... I am kinda-sorta the titular character of this damn thing, so shouldn't I be atleast more involved in what's going on?

Shadow: ... Hey, don't you have to go rescue the princess?

Sonic: O SHI-

Sonic runs off, waving.

Sonic: Catch ya' later, guys!

Shadow: Whatever.

Silver: AH'M STIWW BWEEDINK, YOU BASTEWD!

Meanwhile, HIGH IN THE SKY...

Eggman: I can't believe that Sonic managed to ruin my plan of killing you and all of the citizens for no apparent reason!

Elise: Yeah. What a surprise.

Eggman: WHY I-Ahem... Please, try to be a cooperative little captive and STAY QUIET.

Elise: What are you doing that's so important, anyway?

Eggman: Well, it turns out that I've been a bit... hasty, as of late. In order for my plan to work, I need BOTH halves of Solaris...

Elise: What do you mean?

Eggman: Well, as you may know, Solaris is made of two beings - Iblis and Mephiles. You only have Iblis... and seeing as someone recently stole the Scepter of Darkness from me, I've had to track him down, and he's somewhere near this area...

Elise: You mean-

Eggman: Yes, I'm only moments away from completing my plan! Oh, just think of what the world will be like once I re-shape it into my glorious image!

Elise starts to strums her fingers on the side of the Eggmobile, obviously bored. Eggman awkwardly coughs, trying to break the already-awkward silence.

Eggman: So… how are you enjoying the view, princess...?

Elise: It sucks, there's nothing to do up here.

Eggman: Well, how could I make it more... pleasurable for you?

Elise: ... I WANT A PONY.

Eggman: Good god, NO.

Elise: PONYYYYYYYY-

Eggman: I wish I had earplugs...

Elise: If I don't get a pony RIGHT NOW, I am going to jump off!

Eggman: YOU IDIOT, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A PONY RIGHT NOW?

Elise: By getting one, OBVIOUSLY!

Eggman: Well, I can't, SO GET DOWN FROM THERE!

Elise: Okay!

Elise jumps out of the Eggmobile.

Eggman: Erm... wow. I didn't think she'd actually do it… WELL… We're screwed.

Right before Elise lands on the ground, Sonic happens to run along and catch her.

Sonic: Happy to see you DROP by!

Elise: That was painful...

Sonic: Well, I can't help it if I'm a PUNNY guy!

Elise: Seriously, stop it.

Sonic: Alright... But seeing as we're getting onto the topic of seriousness, you do know that if I didn't catch you in time, you would've doomed the world to a fiery inferno, right?

Elise: Oh, right... Sorry...

Elise nervously laughs as Sonic rolls his eyes.

Sonic: Let's just try and keep you safe, alright?

Eggman: Oh, I'm afraid you won't be able to do that for too long, Sonic!

Sonic looks up, seeing Eggman floating above him.

Sonic: Oh yeah? Why's that?

Eggman: Because robots.

An army of robots suddenly appear behind them.

Sonic: SON OF A—

Eggman: BADNIKS, PURSUE THEM!

Badniks: Yes, Master Robotnik!

Sonic also runs off like a little baby while the army of badniks chase him (though they're not doing a very good job of catching up).

Sonic: Sooo... where do I go now?

Elise: The jungle, of course!

Sonic: ... Can't I just go back to the town and drop you off at the castle right away? The outcome will be the same regardless.

Elise: Well, yes, but regardless of it being completely pointless, going to the jungle will increase several hours of playtime!

Sonic: But... I don't want to...

Sega: YOO GO DO ET NAO! MONEY NO MAEK ITSHELF!

Sonic: FINE...

Sonic runs off into the jungle, with reckless abandon.

Sonic: So, what's the gimmick here?

Elise: Glowing flowers!

Sonic: Um... what?

Elise: When you swing on them, you bounce HIGH into the air!

Sonic: ... I've gotta know, are these GAME DESIGNERS high?

Elise: They don't need to be high, they're Japanese.

Sonic: Good point.

As Sonic runs throughout the jungle, he runs over a speed pad and randomly trips over something in his way, completely stopping in his tracks. Sonic then looks up drowsily, seeing... the ground...

Sonic: OUCH... wait am I... STANDING UPSIDE DOWN IN A FREAKING LOOP? ... This game sucks.

He gets through the loop by casually walking (seeing as gravity apparently doesn't matter) and starts heading towards a lake.

Sonic: Hm... if I can defy the laws of gravity, then can I walk on water too?

Sonic steps on the water as a blue shield surrounds them.

Sonic: Why, yes! Yes, I can!

Elise: Don't stay here for too long, Sonic, I can only keep this shield up for a limited time.

Sonic: Oh, don't get your panties in a knot, I should have plenty of ti-

The shield fizzles away.

Sonic: ... FU-

Sonic falls in the water and dies, going back to the checkpoint (after several hours of loading times, that is).

Sonic: GOD, what's with all of those loading times?

Elise: More hours of playtime!

Sonic: Ugh...

Sonic walks over the water, not taking the time to stop this time around.

Sonic: Well, that was simple enou-

As soon as Sonic and Elise make it to the other side of the water, they end up being completely surrounded by robots. With guns.

Sonic: ... I would make a sarcastic quip, but, I don't like bullets... especially when they're going in my head.

Elise: Don't you have extra lives?

Sonic: I doubt that I'd last very long.

Elise: And why is that?

Sonic: Because Eggman's a cheating bastard; he sent out all of these guys before I could even get any rings!

Eggman: Indeed, hedgehog! What are ya' going to do NOW, HM?

In response, a giant turtle walks (on all fours) into the middle of the field...

Eggman: WHAT THE-

Sonic: I don't believe it... IT'S GAMERA!

Elise: Gamma-WHAT?

Eggman: WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Sonic: Gamera, that's what!

Eggman: I don't even know what a Gamera is!

Sonic: Neither does 90% of the US Population, but that doesn't keep him from being awesome!

Eggman: Well... if that's the case, let's see how it does against my new creation, THE EGG GENESIS!

When the Egg Genesis flies into view, Gamera spits a fireball at it, instantly making it explode.

Eggman: ... BYE AGAIN!

Gamera roars and flies after Eggman's eggmobile, giving it hot (GET IT?) pursuit.

Eggman: I HATE THAT RANDOM WRITER!

Solid Snake: YOU SHOULD'VE USED THE BO-

Eggman throws Snake off of the Eggmobile.

Solid Snake: HM... MAYBE I SHOULD'VE TALKED TO THE COLONEL ABOUT THAT JETPACK...

Meanwhile, in that Random Field Near Elise's Castle...

Sonic and Elise are lying down against a tree, admiring all of the cherry blossoms.

Elise: Sonic...?

Sonic: Yeah?

Elise: No matter how many times I get kidnapped, you always come to save me... why...?

Sonic and Elise face each other.

Sonic: Well... because it's the right thing to do-

Elise: Is that it?

Sonic: No... Well, yeah. That, and I wouldn't just let one of my friends get kidnapped now, would I?

Sonic affectionately pats one of her hands and looks back up at the sky.

Elise: ... After all of this over... you're going to leave, aren't you?

Sonic immediately looks back over at her.

Sonic: Well... I...

Elise wraps her arms around Sonic, trying very hard not to cry.

Elise: Please... Please don't forget about this place... Don't forget about me...

Sonic nods and returns Elise's gesture, gently patting her on the back in an attempt to calm her down.

Sonic: Well, I don't do this sappy stuff very often, but yeah… yeah, I promise.

Sonic lifts her back up, slowly walking back towards the castle.

Sonic: *thinking* Is it just me or did this romance suddenly come out of nowhere…?

One Transition Later…

Eggman: I loathe that hedgehog…

Orbot: Look on the bright side, Doctor—

Eggman: He stopped my train, saved the Princess, destroyed my robots, and marooned me in this jungle! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY ABOUT?

Orbot: You've still got me!

Eggman: Unfortunately…

?: And me…

Eggman: WHAT?

Eggman turns around and sees a dark, mysterious figure slowly strolling towards him.

?: I've got a proposition for you, doctor…

Eggman: Well, that's nice and all, but, WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

?: My name… IS MEPHILES…


	5. Kingdom of the Crystal Plot Hole

Chapter 5 - Kingdom of the Crystal [Plot]Hole

Sonic: Are you sure you don't want me to stay here in case you get kidnapped again...?

Elise: Yeah, don't worry about me... Just go...

Sonic raises his eyebrow.

Sonic: Why, is it your time of the mo-

Elise: Don't even go there.

Sonic: Alright, alright...

Sonic waves and runs off as Elise shuts the front door, not looking back... though almost immediately she hears a knock on the door.

Random Servant: Princess Elise, it appears that you have visitors!

Elise: Really now? That never would have dawned on me. It's not like I'm right in front of the door or anything.

Random Servant: ... I HAVE FEELINGS TOO, YOU KNOW!

The servant runs off, crying.

Lady in Waiting: *sniff* I wish I had a name...

Elise opens the door, revealing what appears to be Sonic, with some minor differences... one of which is a dark mystical aura that no one happens to notice, because game characters are stupid like that.

Elise: Sonic? I thought you already le-

Some sort of dark blade materializes from "Sonic's" left hand, stabbing Elise through the chest (YES, HE'S MEPHILES LOL). He then slightly retracts the blade (just enough for it to come out of her chest), leaving Elise to gasp for air.

Mephiles: You're a tough one, aren't you...?

He opens his mouth, revealing razor-sharp teeth and a forked tongue, which he uses to lick the blood off of his dark blade thingy, making a sound of near-ecstacy as he did so.

Mephiles: It felt like a century since I've tasted blood... infact, it has been.

He tilts his head slowly (almost like a zombie) to catch Elise's eyesight.

Mephiles: Do you know who my first was...?

Elise gags, which Mephiles takes as an opportunity to respond.

Mephiles: ... It was your father. When I killed him.

Mephiles sneers, showing her his blood-stained teeth.

Mephiles: It was almost a pity... watching him squirm in agony like that.

He then turns into his true form, hauling Elise over his shoulder as she chokes, trying to get a word in.

Mephiles: Now don't you worry, princess, we'll fix you up as soon as I bring you to the Egg Carrier...

A purple mist surrounds them both as they seemingly vanish into thin air.

Sometime Later...

Sonic: Well, I guess it's time to stand around doing nothing agai-

He pauses, seeing the Egg Carrier's shadow loom over him. He looks up in response, seeing a giant megaphone (based off of the Eggman logo) being lowered out of the bottom of the carrier.

Eggman: Greetings, Sonic! I know you're here... As you may have guessed, I've kidnapped Elise for the millionth time...

Sonic: That's an understatement.

Eggman: ... You may think that it's an understatement, but if you want to see her alive... well... you're just going to have to catch me, aren't you?

Eggman's maniacal laugh (and subsequent fits of coughing) echoes throughout the city as the Egg Carrier slowly flies away.

Sonic: Oh, please... at the rate this thing is going, I could just use the tornado and-oh yeah, don't have it. Don't you just love it when there's unnecessary padding?

Sonic glances over at a random priest and walks over to him.

Sonic: Hey, paisano, where's that thing going?

Sonic points up at the Egg Carrier.

Priest: It's heading towards Kingdom Valley... but in order to get there, you have to pass THE THREE TRIALS...

Sonic: But he kidnapped your princess! Couldn't you just let me in?

Priest: No, that would make too much sense.

Sonic: *grumbles* Alright, where's all this stuff at?

Priest: No worries, my friend, I shall warp you there!

Sonic: How?

Priest: With a Loading Screen, of course!

Sonic: OH GOD, NO-

*20 HOURS OF LOADING SCREENS LATER...*

Sonic: I hate this game...

Priest: Okay, now is the time to overcome the three trials!

Sonic: ... Or I can hop on that eagle.

Priest: Wha-

Sonic jumps up and grabs onto the eagle's legs, letting go once it flies over the magic mirror. He then runs throughout the valley, looking at the Egg Carrier, far ahead in the sky.

Sonic: Looks like Eggman got a pretty good headstart, thanks to those loading screens...

Sonic now skids to a stop as several badniks surround him.

Sonic: Just a few robots? I can take care of you guys in-

Before Sonic could finish his quip, the robots glow green and slam into each other, exploding on impact. After-the-fact, Silver floats down, with Blaze running not far behind.

Sonic: So... I take it that Shadow filled you in on the plot?

Silver: Yesh, sow-Hold on.

Silver puckers up his lips and puts on some chap-stick.

Silver: There we go! Anyway, I'm sorry, Sonic...

Sonic: Don't be. You've been tricked... a certain friend of mine has fallen for them way more than you have.

Sonic looks over at Blaze.

Sonic: Blaze...? How long have you been with him?

Blaze: I'm suddenly from the future now.

Sonic: Oh, okay.

Silver: So, what are you here for?

Sonic: Eggman's taken Elise in his flying battleship... and if that computer of yours is any indication-

Silver: Elise will die in the explosion and release Iblis!

Sonic: I'm afraid so...

Sonic and Silver pause for a moment of silence...

Blaze: ... Silver, can't you fly?

Silver: Erm... HAY, WHY DON'T WE SPLIT UP?

Sonic: Why should we?

Silver: So these chapters won't get repetitive once it gets to my story... that, and it's a convenient diversion.

Sonic: Oh, oka-WAIT, WHAT?

Silver: Bye!

Silver runs off faster than he ever has (or will) ever run.

Sonic: So... what are you going to do?

Blaze: Beats me. I never really did anything in this level... even though the best level in Silver's Story was the only one where you didn't play as Silver.

Sonic: Hm... well, have you defied physics before?

Blaze: I sort of am right now just by existing; why do you ask?

Sonic: Because of this!

Sonic homing attacks a green thingy, which makes a stream of [somehow visible] wind appear. Sonic then leaps onto the stream of wind, surfing on it.

Sonic: "Even without wings, I can still fly! Hyuk! Hyuk!"

Blaze: WHAT THE-

Sonic: C'mon Blaze, make physics your bitch!

Blaze: Well... I'm not really too fond of heights... or water...

Sonic: C'MON, YOU PUSSY...

Blaze scowls at him, obviously unamused.

Sonic: ... CAT. Got'cha there, didn't I?

Blaze rolls her eyes and jumps onto the stream of wind, following Sonic.

Sonic: There ya' go! That wasn't so hard, was it?

Blaze: I guess not...

They land on the other side, seeing Silver standing near a building.

Silver: Oh, you're already back... Well... I'LL GO ON AHEAD, BECAUSE I'M AWESOME AND STUFF.

Sonic: That's nice. And while you're doing that, we'll go wait in that place that's way ahead of you.

Sonic and Blaze run up the wall of the building.

Silver: ... I wish I wasn't the slowest character in the game...

Meanwhile, we get back to the titular character, who comes across some boost pads, instantly taking the opportunity to run on them.

Sonic: LOOK MA, NO HANDS... on the controller, that is!

*Cue rimshot*

Sonic hops off the wall and onto a platform, where an eagle is flying a seemingly endless loop around it. Blaze follows shortly after.

Sonic: So, how long does it usually take him to catch up?

Blaze: I went through an entire level by myself just to pass the time, if that says anything.

Sonic: Ho' boy...

Several minutes later, Silver comes along, panting and crawling on his knees.

Sonic: Oh, look who finally made it!

Silver: Shaddup...

Sonic smirks.

Sonic: I love you too! Now let's go abuse America's national symbol!

Sonic, Silver, and Blaze all grab onto the eagle's legs, making it screech in pain.

Eagle: (OH MY GOD! IT FEELS LIKE THEY'RE RIPPING MY LEGS OFF!)

Sonic then whistles the American National Anthem as they're carried over a church, in which Sonic promptly smashes through a window with his face.

Silver: ... Shouldn't that hurt?

Blaze: Not for Sonic, apparently.

Silver and Blaze hop through the broken window and the three run through the exit.

Sonic: Hey, it's the Egg Carrier!

Silver: But how do we get up to it?

Sonic: ... FU-

The Egg Carrier crashes off in the distance, creating a giant explosion. Sonic stands there, awestruck.

Sonic: I-I couldn't save her... even if Elise got kidnapped a million times in the same game (which she did), she still didn't deserve this...

But before there could be much time for remorse, the fire quickly spreads throughout the land.

Blaze: Well, seeing as no one has stated the obvious yet, IBLIS HAS BEEN RELEASED!

Silver: Sonic! Do you have a Chaos Emerald?

Sonic: I think I know where this is going...

Sonic and Silver both take their respective Chaos Emeralds out of their asses and hold them up in the air, which creates some purple portal thing.

Sonic: Alright, let's try this again... BEFORE Eggman takes off this time.

Silver: I'm not going.

Sonic: QUE?

Silver: We're going Back... TO THE FUTURE!

Sonic: Why the hell would you do that? Wouldn't travelling back with me and preventing Iblis from coming out altogether be the more logical choice?

Silver: Yeah, but apparently the developers didn't think of that.

Sonic shrugs.

Sonic: Alright, suit yourself.

Sonic tosses his Chaos Emerald to Silver.

Sonic: Keep it, I know you'll need it more than I do.

Sonic waves, hopping through the portal.

Sonic: I'll see you guys... specifically in my many, many spin-off titles! HA-CHA-CHA!

Blaze: Bye, Sonic!

Silver stares blankly at the ground.

Blaze: ... What's wrong, Silver?

Silver: I FOUND A FEATHER!

Blaze: 0_o


	6. UNDER THE SEA Base Thing

Chapter 6: UNDER THE SEA... Base... Thing...

Sonic: Yay, I'm back in this boring-ass HUB World again!

Tails: Sonic!

Sonic turns around, seeing Tails and Knuckles running towards him.

Sonic: O HAI GAIZ.

Tails: We just got back here a little while ago, what happened?

Sonic: Elise has been kidnapped...

Knuckles: AGAIN?

Sonic: Tell me about it... But anyway, yeah, now Eggman's holing her up in his Ocean Base.

Tails: How do you know about this?

Sonic: The same reason why we're not ringing all of those damn bells just to get into the level.

Knuckles: And that would be...?

Sonic: Plot convenience! … JUST LIKE THIS TRANSITION.

Meanwhile, in the Egg Carrier (which is stationary, of course)...

Eggman and Mephiles are standing in a room brimming with technology, accompanied by Elise, who's [unconscious] on an operating table. She has several stitches in her (due to the randomly dark event from the last chapter) and appears to be hooked up to life support.

Eggman: What were you thinking? You could have killed her!

Mephiles: That was the idea...

Eggman: Don't play games with me! Do you want to be whole again or not?

Mephiles: Why, of course... But you didn't say I couldn't have a little FUN along the way...

Mephiles chuckles to himself as he gently strokes one of his sharp fingers across Elise's face.

Eggman: Well... don't get any more ideas. We have only a matter of hours until the process can begin. Until then, keep yourself busy.

Mephiles: Yes, doctor...

Mephiles bows.

Mephiles: I shall keep myself... busy...

He slowly bends back up and vanishes into that weird purple mist of his.

Eggman: MAN, he's creepy...

Orbot pops out of the control panel, as he usually does (well, in Sonic Unleashed anyway).

Orbot: Do you REALLY think that he's going to team up with you once he's Solaris again, rather than, say... Betray you and try to destroy the world like every other time you've tried to do something like this?

Eggman: Of course not! I'm working on a device that will let me control Solaris myself!

Orbot: Ingenius, Doctor! Most people would have already tried that the FIRST time, but you go one step beyond!

Eggman: Why, thank you, Orbot!

Orbot: It's a pleasure to subtlely insult-I mean compliment you!

Eggman: I'm honored...

Eggman's stomach grumbles.

Eggman: Orbot, can you hold the fort for me? I need to go to the little scientist's room...

Orbot: Your wish is my command, sir!

Eggman dashes out of the room.

Mephiles: So... I take it that that the good doctor doesn't trust me...?

Mephiles rises out of a shadow from the ground.

Orbot: Erm... Yes... No... Um... How much of that did you hear?

Mephiles: Enough.

Mephiles takes one step forward.

Orbot: DOCTOR EGGMA-

Mephiles stretches one of his arms out and makes his hand grow larger; he then grabs Orbot and bends him sideways, nearly breaking him in half.

Mephiles: Well... It appears that I need to take matters into my own hands...

Mephiles sinks back into the shadows... and on that note, time for more comedy! Because this is supposed to be a parody, right...?

In Ocean Base...

Knuckles: Wait... how did we get here?

Sonic: It happened offscreen.

Knuckles blankly stares at him.

Sonic: During the transition...?

Knuckles: ... Transition...?

Sonic looks over at Tails.

Sonic: He's not aware of the whole 4th Wall thing, is he?

Tails: WELL...

Knuckles: What's a 4th Wall?

Sonic: Erm... don't worry about it, buddy! Here's a cookie!

Sonic tosses an oatmeal raisin cookie over to Knuckles, which he starts to nibble on like a squirrel.

Tails: So, what should we do now...?

Sonic: Well, it's like what my favorite kareoke video says...

Tails: And that would be...

Sonic: Follow the bouncing ball!

Sonic walks over to a room where metallic-looking balls are bouncing everywhere.

Tails: Wow! What are these made of, liquid metal?

Sonic: Beats me. Sure looks cool, though.

One of the balls bumps Knuckles in the face.

Knuckles: OW! ... HEY! THOSE BALLS TOOK MY COOKIE!

Sonic: Uh... You heard what you just said, right...?

Tails: Sonic, look, there's a door up there! I'm gonna go check it out!

Sonic: 'Kay.

Tails flies up to it... and Sonic's already there.

Tails: What the-How'd you get up here so fast?

Sonic: I got the Purple Gem during the transition.

Tails: What does that have to do with-

Sonic: It lets me jump infinitely because it wasn't programmed properly.

Tails: Oh... then what use do I have?

Sonic: To give me someone to talk to.

Knuckles: HELP! I'M CLIMBING AND I CAN'T JUMP OFF!

Sonic: Well, that's what you get for climbing with your palms! ... Wait...

Tails pulls Knuckles up to the platform.

Knuckles: Thanks, I thought I'd never get up there...

Sonic: Who would, with that shitty programming?

Knuckles: What are you talking about?

Sonic: ... Cookie?

Sonic takes out another cookie, which Knuckles begrudgingly grabs out of his hands.

Knuckles: YOU'VE WON THIS ROUND...

The trio walk into the next room, which is filled with copious amounts of motion sens-I mean, LAYZORS.

Sonic: Wow, this place has more lasers than a Shoop Da Woop video!

Tails: Thanks for stating the obvious.

Sonic: Stop being a sarcastic asshole, that's my job!

Tails: Whatev-

Sonic puts a cookie on Tails' head... which makes Knuckles put Tails' entire head in his mouth.

Sonic: Don't you just love the awesome super power of teamwork?

Tails: Point taken...

Sonic runs over to a ball that's inexplicably floating over a pit and hops onto it.

Sonic: I'M WAIIIIIIITINNNGGGG...

Knuckles walks over to the ball and jumps on it, with Tails still in his mouth.

Sonic: Why haven't you spit him out yet?

Knuckles: He's kind of tasty...

Tails: ._.

BACK TO EGGMAN AND STUFF, YAY...

Eggman: I'M BAAAAACK!

Eggman looks at Orbot, half-slumped over the control panel.

Eggman: Are you lying down on the job? You good-for-nothing slacker! I should give you a paint job and completely different personality for no particular reason!

Orbot: DKTRR...

Eggman: "Dick Turr"? Who is this? Is he someone I should know about?

Orbot: I-

Eggman: IS HE THE GUY THAT STOLE MY CREDIT CARD? IF HE WAS, THEN I SWEAR, I'LL-

Orbot: IM TRN N HLF...

Eggman looks closely at Orbot.

Eggman: Huh. So, you are. Let me fix that...

Eggman takes out a blowtorch, taking several minutes to weld Orbot back together.

Orbot: Whew... I was going lightheaded for a minute there...

Eggman: Who did this to you? WAS IT DICK TURR?

Orbot: It was that weird crystal guy, Mephi-whatever.

Eggman: How much of our conversation did he hear?

Orbot: Just enough to know what you're up to. Needless to say, he's pretty ticked off. Eggman: But if I don't finish this device, all of my plans will be ruined! We're going to need a diversion...

Orbot: What kind of diversion do you have in mind, sir?

Eggman: The blue kind...

Eggman presses a red button on the control panel.

Back to Sonic WOOP WOOP...

Tails: Somebody set off the alarm!

Sonic: Look who's stating the obvious NOW!

Knuckles: Wait a minute... How did you get out of my mouth?

Tails: Plothole.

Knuckles: WHAT ARE YOU-

Sonic shoves a Chips Ahoy bag in Knuckles' mouth.

Sonic: A few flashing lights shouldn't stop us; let's get going, guys!

Sonic & Co. run through the space, when glass walls lower down... only for Sonic to promptly smash through them with his face.

Knuckles: I probably could've done that if it was 1994...

After avoiding the continuous gauntlet of badniks, they eventually make it to the carrier's loading bay.

Sonic: Well, I guess now is the time to say our farewells!

Mephiles: Well, if you insist on saying bye so soon...

Mephiles emerges from the shadows.

Mephiles: ... I'd like to give you a little parting gift!

His arm materializes, showing something wrapped in his large, clawed hand...

Tails: That's the Egg Carrier's engine! So YOU'RE the reason why it ended up going down!

Mephiles: Glad that you noticed!

Mephiles tosses the large engine at the trio, which Knuckles punches away.

Sonic: Wouldn't Eggman have a back-up engine? Even he's not THAT stupid!

Mephiles: Yes, but it only lasts for about 20 minutes.

Knuckles: Well, that's not very long...

Mephiles: Well, of course. It's a last resort, that's why they call it a BACK-UP engine.

Mephiles chuckles as his hand grows back to normal size.

Sonic: So, how's killing a defenseless princess working out for you?

Mephiles: Pretty well... now that you're here.

Sonic: Pardon?

Mephiles: If I just simply kill the princess, I cannot merge with my other; I must make her cry... and as far as I can tell, the only one that can make her cry is YOU.

Sonic: So THAT'S why you sent Silver back in time!

Mephiles: Not quite, I expected him to grow wise eventually. And once he did, he'd help you go back to before the Egg Carrier crashed... allowing me to deal with you PERSONALLY.

A dark aura materializes around Mephiles as the Egg Carrier starts to take off.

Sonic: ... Yeahhh, I don't have enough time for this.

Mephiles: YOU'LL MAKE TIME FOR-

Sonic hops on (and off) of Mephiles' head, landing on the Egg Carrier.

Sonic: Catch ya' on the flipside, Mephy!

Mephiles: YOU... YO-

Knuckles sneaks up on Mephiles from behind and bashes his head into the railing, knocking him out.

Knuckles: YEAH, I'M STILL AWESOME... so, how are we going to get back to the city?

Tails: In the Tornado! I parked it here, for some reason!

Knuckles: WAT.

BACK IN TEH EGG CARRIER AGAIN LOL...

Elise: Ugh... wh-where am I...?

Eggman: Glad to see that you're finally awake, princess, after that little... excursion.

Elise: What's going on?

Eggman: It appears that my "partner" went AWOL...

Orbot: Generally speaking, we're running solely on back-up fuel.

Elise: Don't you have escape pods?

Eggman: ...

{Egg Pawns: *They scatter into all of the available escape pods* EVERY 'BOT FOR HIMSELF!}

Eggman: ... No.

Elise: How long do we have...?

Eggman: About ten minutes.

Sonic: Good! Then that gives me plenty of time to kick your ass!

EVREHBODEH: SONIC!

Sonic: Oh, how I love it when people use my name for dramatic effect!

Eggman: Oh no, OH NO, you're not ruining my plan THIS time!

Sonic: What makes ya' say that?

Eggman: The new boss that I built in the past few minutes you were gone, THE EGG WYVERN!

Sonic: ... What's a Wyvern?

Eggman: Well, it's pretty much the poor man's Egg Viper.

Sonic: Ah.

Now, they're all randomly warped to an area ontop of the carrier.

Sonic: Wait a minute... if that thing can fly, why didn't you just use THAT to get away?

Eggman: I... DON'T KNOW...

Eggman exquisitely looks out into empty space for awhile.

Eggman: ... BUT ANYWAY, it's time to put an end to this!

Sonic: And how will you do that, may I ask...?

Eggman: By taking out every foothold except for the one that you're actually standing on, of course!

He does so.

Eggman: NOW... See if you can make it through here, Sonic!

The Egg Wyvern sticks out its arms.

Sonic: REALLY? For someone with an IQ of 300, you're pretty damn stupid.

Sonic homing attacks off of the arms and onto the Egg Wyvern's horn, using it to steer the 'bot into random pieces of debris that are flying around.

Eggman: ARGH! I KNEW I SHOULD'VE GOTTEN RID OF THAT RANDOM DEBRIS!

Eggman is ejected out of the cockpit.

Eggman: CURSE YOU, SONI-

Eggman bounces off of the bottom of the carrier, with a high-pitched "TING" noise.

Sonic: OKAYYYYYY... Now that that's over with, let's get out of here! I've got better 3D games after this to get to.

Elise: Alright!

Sonic grabs Elise and runs through the carrier as its exploding, jumping on newly-created pieces of random debris that illogically floats in the sky... until Sonic jumps high in the sky and dramatically holds out his hand to reach for something.

Elise: Well, atleast we didn't get caught in an explosio-

As you'd expect, they both do and up rolling into the field below, somehow not breaking their bones in the process.

Sonic: Ugh... not one of my best dramatic exits...

Sonic pushes himself up and reaches out for Elise, who lets him pull her up as well.

Elise: Thanks, Sonic... for everything.

Sonic: No biggie, Ellie! And now that Eggman's gone, I may just stay here for awhile...

Elise: OH, SONIC!

Elise hugs Sonic again, which he returns.

Sonic: ... THIS IS NOT BESTIALITY, IT'S PLATONIC. STOP LOOKING AT ME AWKWARDLY.

After the GLOMP OF FRIENDSHIP (and semi-romance)-

Sonic: HEY!

-Sonic and Elise casually walks off... as a shadow-like being starts to creep up behind them...


	7. Apocalypse NAO

Chapter 7: Apocalypse NAO

Silver: Hai, weaders, I'm Siwvew and as wong as I can wemembeh, my wips have been extwemewy chapped... I bwame this on Ibwis, who decided to be a jerk and put the world on fire. I have bwought it upon mysewf to put a stop to this madness once and foh aww...

Blaze: SILVER! QUIT MONOLOGUING AND GET DOWN HE-wait, are you flying?

Silver: Just in this one cutscene.

Blaze: Well... hurry up. I somehow saw Iblis even though it takes about 10 minutes to get to him.

Silver: Okie-dokie!

Silver boosts through the sky... even though it's the only time in the game he can do something like this. Yes, I know I'm overstating this but... MYEH, it ticks me off. But anyway, after Silver's awesome boost of epicness, he lands on a random building alongside Blaze.

Silver: How'd you get hewe befoh me?

Blaze: You're still the slowest character in the game.

Silver: ... Is this entire chapter just going to slam on me?

Blaze: Pretty much.

Silver whimpers a little before he continues to run [slowly] on the top of the building.

Silver: I get it, I'm swow! SHEESH!

Yeah, you sure are SLOW alright...

Silver: Oh, SHUT UP!

Silver punches himself in the face.

Silver: YOWCH!

Silver rubs his face as he uses his psychokinesis on a car to lift him up in the air.

Silver: Well, this is KIND OF flying...

Silver's PK meter runs out, making the car (and Silver) fall towards one of many bottomless pits.

Silver: I HATE YEW!

Blaze jumps into the air and grabs Silver by the hand, using various acrobatics to get back to another rooftop.

Silver: Thanks, Bwaze!

Blaze: No prob. I need you... because the ability to control fire definitely wouldn't be useful against a monster that's made ENTIRELY out of fire...

Blaze glances at the non-existant camera.

Blaze: You know what I'm saying, former Sonic Team...? No, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH!

Silver: Oooooh, BURN!

U C WUT I DID THAR? But anyhow, Blaze and Silver head through the level that I'm too lazy to describe until...

Silver: We've weached Ibwis!

Blaze: WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE!

Silver: ... I'm not Batman, that doesn't work.

Blaze: It does to ME!

Iblis faces their direction and roars, lobbing various balls of debris at them.

Silver: WHOA! Bwaze, I'm sowwy!

Blaze: I don't care; go fight him yourself, you jerk!

Silver: *mutters* That's women for ya'...

Silver uses his psychokinesis to [anti-climactically] catch a giant piece of debris and fling it at Iblis' head. Iblis then howls in pain and sinks into the lava (for some reason), giving a thumbs-up as he goes down.

Silver: Huh... I didn't know he liked T2.

?: I prefer Terminator 3...

Silver immediately turns around.

Silver: WHO SPEAKS SUCH BWASPHEMY?

?: I do...

Silver looks up, seeing some demonic guy... if you bothered to read Sonic's Story, you should already know who he is.

?: My name is Mephiles. You want to put a stop to Iblis, correct...?

Silver: Well, I don't know anymore, I think we might have some stuff in common and-

Mephiles: Do you want to prevent this awful future of desolated cities and chapped lips...?

Silver: Hm... sounds tempting...

Mephiles: Well, then follow me to the COMPUTER ROOM!

Mephiles slaps his hands over where his mouth should be.

Mephiles: I-I don't know what happened there...

Meanwhile, in the COMPUTER ROOM...

As Mephiles is typing something on the computer, Blaze whispers something in Silver's ear.

Blaze: Silver, I don't trust this guy...

Silver: What do you mean, Bwaze? He seems wike a twustworthy guy to me.

Blaze: For god's sake, Silver, look at him! He doesn't even have a MOUTH!

Silver: But he's Dan Green... when has he ever done us wrong?

Mephiles turns around to face Silver and Blaze.

Mephiles: These are the records of Solleana, they tell how this future came to be... but instead of actually reading them, I'm just going to give you this Chaos Emerald instead.

Mephiles hands Silver the Chaos Emerald.

Silver: Okay... what am I supposed to do with this?

Mephiles: Look into it, and you shall see the harbinger of all of this destruction; the Iblis Trigger...

Silver squints his eyes and looks into the Chaos Emerald, seeing Sonic standing amongst a wall of flames.

Silver: Um... okay...?

Mephiles: What is it?

Silver: This doesn't really prove anything.

Mephiles: What do you mean?

Silver: Well... it's just some guy standing in a bunch of fire. This is about the equivalent of a photograph.

Mephiles: So, you're saying that this isn't good enough...? Very well...

The image in the Chaos Emerald starts to change...

Mephiles: The Iblis Trigger was sealed inside a vessel... Princess Elise. If she ever cried... or worse, died, Iblis would be released...

The image fully changes now; it shows a brief recap of the random dark event from Chapter 5... which I'll tell you again: Mephiles (disguised as Sonic) walks into Elise's castle.

Elise: SONIC?

The Pseudo-Sonic unleashes a dark blade from his hand, stabbing Elise straight through the chest. He relinqueshes his blood-soaked blade as Elise desperately gasps for air and the image now starts to be ingulfed in flames.

Silver stares in shock from what he just saw.

Mephiles: So, do you believe me now...?

Silver: Y-Yeah... so, what do I do?

Mephiles: If you can initiate Chaos Control with that emerald, you'll be able to travel back in time.

Blaze: I thought that you could only do that with Time Stones...?

Mephiles: Yeah... I didn't exactly come up with how that works-

Blaze: Say no more, I've been complaining about the [fired] Sonic Team for this entire chapter.

Silver: CHAOS... CONTWOL!

A portal now appears from thin air.

Silver: KEWL!

Blaze: SILVER, WAIT-

Silver immediately hops into the portal.

Blaze: -How do you even know that this is the right time...?

Blaze sighs and hops into the portal.

Mephiles: *thinking* (Looks like everything's going according to plan, now it's time to follow them through the portal...)

Mephiles looks out a nearby window and spots the Team Dark trio.

Mephiles: (Then again... having a little fun with Shadow wouldn't hurt...)

Mephiles dissolves into his signature purple mist, teleporting towards wherever.

IN TEH PRESENT...

Silver falls down into the boring forest place. Yay.

Silver: This place is so deserted and lifeless... I WUV IT! I wuvz it so much that I'm going to go through the jungle level for no weason!

He does so.

Silver: Gee, that was fun! ... So now what?

Time for more boring exploration in the HUB World.

Silver: Oh, okay!

Silver hops onto a random rooftop and looks out in the distance.

Silver: ... Hey, that specific pawt of the town is on fiew. That's probably nevew going to happen again.

Silver squints his eyes, spotting Sonic running through the area.

Silver: WAIT A MINUTE...

Silver dramatically clenches his fist.

Silver: I'VE FINALLY FOUND HIM... THE IBWIS TWIGGEH!

Silver stumbles, falling off of the roof.

Silver: OWIE...

?: SONIC! IS THAT YOU?

Silver pushes himself back up, seeing a certain pink hedgehog (AMY, DUH) standing infront of him.

Silver: Uh... no.

Amy: Oh, I'M SO SORRY!

Amy hits Silver, making him fall back down.

Silver: Well, you sure fewled me...

Silver looks around for a little bit.

Silver: POOPIE! He got away!

Amy: Oh, were you looking for someone too?

Silver: WELL...

Amy grabs Silver by the arm, pulling him back up.

Amy: C'mon, let's go look for both of 'em together!

She drags Silver by the arm, running through town.

Silver: HELP ME...

Amy: So... what's your name, anyway?

Silver: Silver.

Amy: My name's Amy!

Phew... Glad I got that exposition out of the way.


	8. Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland…

Chapter 8: Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland… WITHOUT CLOTHES!

Amy: Hm... Wandering aimlessly isn't working... How about we ask people around town?!

Silver: Gee. I never would've thought of that.

Amy: INORITE?

Amy runs off again. Silver sighs and walks towards various... citizens...

Silver: So, do you know where the IBWIS TWIGGEH is?

Hatsun the Pigeon: Coo.

Silver: INTERESTING...

Amy: Silver! Someone said that they saw Sonic in Dusty Desert!

Silver: Okay, Amy! *turns back to Hatsun* I'll be back for you later...

Hatsun: Coo...?

Silver runs off, following Amy to the desert.

Silver: Wow...

Amy: What?

Silver: Everything's all so pretty...

Amy: What, you mean this desert?!

Silver: Yeah, in my future, every where's just a hot abandoned wasteland.

Amy: Just like this place?

Silver: ... Okay, you have a point there.

The two hedgehogs poke around until they finally come across a large temple.

Amy: Hey Silver, it's a large temple!

I JUST SAID THAT-

Silver: Wow! I never would've known that was here!

UGH...

Amy: C'mon, let's go in!

Silver and Amy walk inside the temple, spotting all sorts of robots (and strangely, giant billiard balls) in their midst.

Silver: ALRIGHT! I LOVE GIANT BILLIARD BALLS! … So, yeah, anyway—

Silver walks off.

Amy: We aren't going in?!

Nah.

Amy: Why?!

I already skipped that level in Sonic's Story. Why should I do it in this one?

Amy: CUZ I TURN INVISIBLE AND SHIT!

And have me describe that ball puzzle? Fuck dat shit.

Amy: FINE…

Amy and Silver walk throughout the town, once again looking for Sonic.

Amy: Man, I can't find Sonic ANYWHERE...!

Silver: Even though he's right there?

Silver points at Sonic walking into the town with Elise.

Amy: Wow! That was awfully quick...

Silver: Yeah, it's almost as if we skipped three whole levels or something... and yet it still takes the author half a year to write this thing.

I CAN'T HELP IT IF I'M LAZY!  
Sonic: Whoa...

Sonic sticks out his arm, keeping Elise from walking any further.

Elise: Sonic, what is it?

Sonic: Someone just pissed off the author...

Sonic then hears something that closely resembles a stereotypical UFO sound.

Sonic: Da fuq is that...?!

He then looks up, seeing Silver descend to the ground.  
Silver: It is I... SIWVEW!  
Sonic: ... Excuse me?

Silver: Silver... you know; the color?

Sonic: Riiight... Well, if you don't mind, I've got this princess that I need to return to her owners, so if you don't mind scooting out of the way-

Silver shoots, like, whatever that green hadouken thingy is at Sonic, who dodges it by jumping onto one of the many tables surrounding them.

Sonic: DUDE! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?! I'm just walkin' around here, minding my own business, and then you come along and start throwing laser things at me!

Silver: YOU ARE THE IBWIS TWIGGEH AND YOU MUST BE DESTWOYED!

Sonic: ... That doesn't really answer my question.

Silver uses his psychokinesis to lift the table (ya' know, the one that Sonic's standing on) into the air.

Sonic: Whoa!

Sonic hops off the table as it flies into a wall, smashing into pieces.

Sonic: Not too shabby, kemosabe! But I have a few tricks of my own.

Sonic hops into the air and uses a homing attack, propelling himself towards Silver... only to be stopped in his tracks by DUH PSYCHIC PAWURZ.

Sonic: That is SO unfair...

Sonic is thrown hard against the wall, knocking some of the air out of him. Silver then walks over to him, all cocky and whatnot.

Silver: Any last words?!

Sonic: Yeah... your hair looks like a marijuana leaf.

Silver: WHY I OUGHTA-

Right as Silver is about to deliver the finishing blow, they hear a certain familiar scream and look up, seeing Elise being carried off by Eggman.

Silver: Hey... isn't that-

Sonic: ELISE! Take your eyes off of her for ONE minute...

Sonic tries to run after her, only to be knocked back down to the ground by Silver.

Silver: You aren't going anywhere!

Sonic: But Eggman's my nemesis! I HAVE to go after him! ... Oh yeah, and the princess is important too, I guess.

Silver: I know what you're up to! You just want to release the FWAMES UV DIZAZTUR!

Sonic: The Flames of Disaster?! How do YOU know about that?!

Silver: YO MOMMA.

Sonic: Dude... I don't HAVE a mom.

Silver: Oh. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to-

In the middle of Silver's apology, he gets whacked in the face.

Silver: OW!

Once Silver stops wincing in pain, he looks in front of him, seeing Amy with her hammer.

Amy: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Silver: Trying to kill someone because a demon told me to!

Amy: Erm…

Amy turns around, glancing at Sonic.

Amy: Sonic, are you okay?

Sonic: Yeah, you really saved my bacon just now… So I'm going to ditch you for some girl that I just met last night! HA-CHA-CHAAAAA!

Sonic runs off into town, towards the direction where Eggman flew off to.

Amy: Okay, now that he's gone, let me reiterate… WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!

Silver: Amy, you don't understand! I HAVE to kill Sonic; in 200 years, the world will be destroyed because of what he'll do!

Amy: Who in their right mind would ever believe that Sonic would destroy the world?!

Silver: Is that a trick question…?

Amy sighs, looking down at the ground.

Amy: Sonic may be a jerk sometimes, but he would never do anything like that… and even if he will destroy the world…

Amy looks back up at Silver, with tearful eyes.

Amy: … I still love him.

Amy runs off.

Silver: AMY, WAIT...! I'm sorry…

Meanwhile, AT DUH BEACH…

Silver is sitting on a sidewalk, holding an icepack to his head; he looks up as he hears Blaze walking over toward him.

Blaze: What happened to you?

Silver: I was friend-zoned and had the crap beaten out of me by the same person. How was your day?

Blaze: I took a walk on the beach… if by walk, you mean run through 360-degree hoops. It was quite nice, actually.

Silver sighs, looking back at the ocean view.

Blaze: Silver, is something on your mind?

Silver: Killing one person to save millions of others… is this the right thing to do? I mean, I'm not even sure if he's the right guy…

Blaze: Yes, but… if we don't take this chance, our future will be ruined forever!

Silver: A bit irrational, isn't it? Aren't you supposed to be the level-headed one?

Blaze: You were supposed to be a mink named Venice; what's your point?

Silver: Touché…

Silver hops up.

Silver: I heard that blue hedgehog mentioning that Elise was kidnapped by some guy called Dr. Eggman! Let's go rescue her before she gets into any trouble!

Blaze: Fine. Where are they?

Silver: Uh… Mind giving us a little help…?

Silver and Blaze magically appear in White Acropolis, due to the powers of lazy writing.

Silver: Thanks, Mr. Author!

EVERYBODY GETS ONE…

Silver: AWRIGHT, IT'S TIME TO GO ON AN EPIC SNOW ADVENTURE AND—

Blaze: Or we could just walk through the door.

Blaze strolls right into Eggman's base.

Silver: Well, you're no fun.

Silver follows her inside the abandoned (and strangely stadium-shaped) headquarters.

Silver: This place is strangely empty…

The Egg Genesis then descends from the sky, showing off its vast arsenal.

Blaze: You and your gargantuan, misshapen mouth!

Silver: HEY!

Right as Silver and Blaze get into their fighting stance Gamera swoops in, shoots a fireball at the Egg Genesis (making it explode again), and flies off.

Blaze: What the fuck was that?!

Silver: A giant, flying turtle that shoots fireballs from its mouth.

Blaze facepalms and looks down at the wreckage; seeing a Chaos Emerald and the Egg Genesis' head.

Blaze: Hey, there's a Chaos Emerald over there!

Silver: Thanks, Blaze! I don't think I ever could've noticed the big, glowing light!

Blaze growls at him.

Silver: Erm… I mean, I'm on it!

Silver runs over to the debris and fishes out the Chaos Emerald, as well as the Egg Genesis head, which he lifts with his psychokinesis.

Silver: Alright, you bucket of bolts! Talk!

Eggman's voice emanates from a speaker on the head…

Eggman: This robot doesn't have the mental capacity to speak, you idiot! What do you want?!

Silver: Where did you take the princess?!

Eggman: Oh, well, it looks like someone else wants to rescue the princess! Tch… don't waste my time.

Silver: I think I may have something you want…

Eggman: A HOT TUB FILLED WITH BANANA PUDDING?!

Silver: Uh… No… It's-It's a Chaos Emerald…

Eggman: Oh… Well, that's okay too, I guess. I'll be over at Radical Train to pick up that Chaos Emerald that Sonic just gave me 10 minutes ago! Now, don't be late…

The speaker fizzles out; Silver snickers.

Blaze: What?

Silver: HE SAID LATE…

Blaze: …

She walks off, not even dignifying that with a response.

Silver: … Well, that's a downe—OOH, A PENNY!


End file.
